How Does She Do It?

Joanie Warner and daughter Abby Mahler: a mother/daughter partnership living with and fighting breast cancer

After years of failed fertility treatments, Joanie Warner and Bob Mahler felt a great exhilaration in finally declaring, enough. “We are done! We are totally done! When we look back on it, Bob and I say, that was all just a way of stalling, all just a way of making it so we could get Abby. I’ll never forget the picture of this little tiny baby who was ours over there in Korea. It was just meant to be.”

Abby has been a wonderful presence in Joanie’s life for the past 17 years.

Another presence entered Joanie’s life just two years after getting Abby, in the form of a lump in her breast. The cancer it represented has been a part of her ever since that discovery. After years of chemotherapy, periods of remission and the anxiety of re-appearances, Joanie would love to declare “we are done!” once again. But while she’s made choices about how she deals with the cancer, she doesn’t have the choice to leave it behind.

Though she has no memory of when her mother discovered the lump, Abby also has no memory of a time when her mother was cancer free. The disease has shaped the relationship between these two women who talk with me openly about its impact, Joanie in her introspective yet straightforward way and Abby in the way of a high school senior heading out on a life path to help change the world.

“I found the lump myself. I was 38 and had gone for a mammogram because I had a cyst the year before. I remember the nurse saying, ‘you were just here last year, are you sure you want to see the self exam video?’ And a little voice inside me said, ‘you need to watch this and you need to pay attention.’ This time, unlike the last, I paid attention, and two weeks later I found a lump. I had a mastectomy and they put in one of those implanted ports and I went on a heavy dose of chemotherapy for about eight months.

“Abby was amazing. I would have the needle put in on Monday morning and they would send me home with this little attached bottle which would push the chemo in over 24 hours. With Bob, Abby would be wild and crazy running around the park, and with me she would just get quiet and cuddle as if she intuitively knew that mommy really didn’t have a lot of energy and just wanted to throw up.

“She was with me the day that my hair fell out. I went into the bathroom and shut the door and I was crying and Abby toddled up and opened up the door and came in, and she ran her hand through my hair and it came out by handfuls. I called a friend who cut my hair really, really short. Abby would rub her hand on my head. Then Bob shaved his head and she would rub both of ours.”

Abby’s first realization about the seriousness of her mom’s disease came later. “When I was 11 it had come back and it was pretty bad this time. I remember I was sitting right here at the dining room table and my dad was gone. My mom came downstairs and she was crying and I didn’t understand why. She hugged me and told me that maybe things might not be ok this time. I think that was the first time I realized the kind of disease it was and that it really could take your life. Growing up it was something I was around so much it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Thursday night was chemo night when we would all go to the chemo center and eat Thai food and watch movies and hang out together. I wouldn’t really think about my mom getting drugs, it was just family time.”

When Abby was in 8^th grade, she discovered the exciting alternative music scene in Seattle. Going to clubs, checking out new bands, forging friendships with like-minded peers grew beyond a teenage fad to become a clear career path she hopes to explore in college. So when she got to high school and learned about the requirement of a Senior Project, she locked in on an idea that would combine two pillars in her life: a desire to book and promote music and a passion to help eradicate breast cancer. She started planning her senior project when she was just a sophomore.

This Thursday, February 25, her years of planning and past few months of work -- “it was just like, completely grueling” -- will culminate in a benefit concert for The Keep A Breast Foundation. Check out their website at http://www.keep-a-breast.org/ where they tout, “Through cutting edge art events and awareness programs Keep A Breast has evolved into the leading youth focused global breast cancer organization.” We’re talking Susan G. Komen for the under-25 crowd, accompanied by electric guitar and a touch of body piercing.

poster for Abby’s benefit concert

Abby could have taken the path many other seniors choose – Senior Project Lite – something that didn’t require much time or effort (like learning to salsa dance, or practicing henna tattoos). But the seriousness of breast cancer, not just in her life but in the lives of many of her friends and their families, spurred her to do more. So during lunch time and after school, she activated the email, MySpace and Facebook networks to secure a venue and line up five separate acts.

“I finally got it all figured out just two weeks ago. Now it’s just promotion and getting the word out about the show. Donating to KAB could be such a positive thing and make such a difference. If I get $2500 it would be solid – the money will go straight to the organization.

“I want to work in the music industry doing promotion and booking. And I just want to prove to myself that I can do this, that all the hard work is going to pay off. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the fact that it’s actually happening is just the most amazing thing ever.”

You can help Abby reach her goals, to pack the house and raise the dough, by attending the benefit or, if you worry that your ear plug supply is low, making an on-line contribution at the website she set up: www.firstgiving.com/abbymahler

Joanie has nothing but admiration for Abby’s perseverance, though her idea of a musical celebration takes a much different path. Joanie grew up in the small town of Ashville, North Carolina, and she has brought the tradition of Hoe-Down with her to Seattle.

“My mother was the kind of effervescent, out there person -- everyone was her friend. I can’t tell you the number of times we would go to Denny’s and before you knew it the people in the booth next to ours were coming to Thanksgiving dinner. So I grew up with a great sense of community. We had some friends who lived way up in the hills who would have a square dance two or three times a year, always with the fiddles and the guy who played the saw – really old fashioned, old timey stuff. I spent a lot of my childhood hanging out with people who played music on the front porch, who didn’t have any teeth and made moonshine in their back still. Some of my favorite times were way up in the hills listening to music.”

 

Whatever your taste in music, you can offer your support to Abby and Joanie and help say, “We are done! We are totally done!” to breast cancer in our lifetimes. www.firstgiving.com/abbymahler

Joanie and Abby’s (not so) secrets for how they do it:

• For Abby it comes down to family support. “We rely so much on each other for love, positive energy and advice. Both of my parents are there ready to listen and to help.”
• Doing her Project, Abby has been driven by the sense of accomplishment and pride she anticipates feeling this Saturday. “Being able to do something I love – it’s so satisfying to know I’m capable of doing it.”
• Joanie’s survival has been similarly anchored in family. “Having family members who intuitively know how to step in and help. Bob has been amazing. When I’ve been sick, he’s done everything.”
• Joanie is grateful for her job at Seattle Children’s Hospital where she works as a Nurse Practitioner. “It helps to have a routine, to have a reason to get up and out of bed even when you feel lousy.”
• Her medical training has given her the faith to “attack this as heavily as possible from the physical side” while at the same time working on the spiritual side. An acupuncturist cured a searing pain; she’s done lots of meditation, guided imagery and spiritual retreats. “Part of my growth was to learn to forgive myself for getting this. I felt very guilty as if I let my body down.”
• And together, Joanie’s disease has meant that she and Abby have learned how to talk to each other. “I’ve been blessed by having a daughter who is wise beyond her years. I think that Abby is a very open and honest person and she has given me the gift of being able to talk about uncomfortable things. I wouldn’t describe this as a fairy tale – there are always struggles – but we always talk about it. We trust each other.”

What books have Abby and Joanie read recently?

• Joanie’s reading The Glass Room by Simon Mawer. Amazon review: “It moves through six decades of European history, much of it unspeakably tragic, using the glass house as a window on the hopes and fears of its various inhabitants and the conflicts that rip Europe apart.” (see link to Amazon on this page)

• Abby just re-read the Twilight series and is starting an Agatha Christie novel for school.

Whom do they want me to interview next?

• Jennifer Argraves lived across the street from Joanie and Abby before moving to eastern Washington with her family to develop a sustainable farm, the Crown “S” Ranch, where they use no hormones, steroids, pesticides, genetically-modified feeds, or unhealthy grains.

By Janet Pelz

Mother and Daughter joined in the fight

My prior posts told the story of a mother/daughter partnership forged by an amazing musical talent and passion displayed by Simone Porter when she was barely more than a baby.

 

This week’s post, due tomorrow, is about a mother/daughter partnership forged by the unwelcome and tenacious presence of breast cancer.  Joanie Warner has been living with the disease off and on for sixteen years, most of the lifetime of her daughter Abby who, as a high school senior, is entering the fight.  Abby is producing a benefit concert this weekend.  Read about it tomorrow and take a moment to support her with a contribution of any size.

 

How Does She Do It? tells the stories of ordinary women doing extraordinary things, meeting life’s both challenges and opportunities with grace and conviction.  You can subscribe to the blog through email or your RSS reader – just click the appropriate button to make sure you don’t miss a single story.

 

-    Janet Pelz

Mother/Daughter -- Deborah and Simone Porter

Deborah Porter had only a couple classical music cd’s in her collection.  But her daughter Simone, though just a baby, always picked out the opera Tosca.  “There’s a line in an aria that goes ‘Mario, Mario’, and my parents told me that one day when I was two I sang ‘Momio, Momio I want my milk!’ in the same melody,” explains Simone, arms gesturing as a diva might on stage. 

 

“I don’t know anything about music myself, but what I saw in Simone from the earliest age was a love of classical music, of opera,” said Deborah.  When I saw how determined she was – this was not something forced on her.”

 

Deborah started bringing Simone to concerts of the Utah Symphony when she was a little more than two.  Simone saw the orchestra pit and the begging to learn violin started sometime thereafter. “I waited an entire year and finally I gave in, and at 3 and ½ found a wonderful teacher,” said Deborah.  Simone started with a Suzuki program.  “And right from the beginning I could tell there was something different.  There was no screeching, no terrible noises.” 

 

Simone interrupts – “yes, there was.  It was horrible!”

 

“We know of some kids who were pushed by their parents at age two or earlier.  Not Simone – it was she who was pushing.  It’s so foreign to me I would never have dreamed of this.  My whole family is lawyers!”  Deborah smiles at the irony.

 

 

Simone Porter

 

Before moving to Seattle, Deborah found Margaret Pressley. http://www.pressleystudio.com/  At age five Simone auditioned for and was accepted as one of Margaret’s pupils and stayed with her for six years.  “She was amazing!  She’s the one who brought me so far,” Simone declares effusively . It was Margaret who recommended Robert Lipsett recognizing that Simone’s skill had expanded beyond what she could give her. 

 

But starting with Lipsett meant starting over for Simone.  For the first months, her weekly journey to Los Angeles was filled with hours and hours of repetition as her new teacher tried to dispel Simone’s “jerky” technique.  “I would fly down to L.A. and I would just play one note.  And scales – only scales -- for four to seven hours a day.  It definitely was hard.  But I knew, this is going to help me so much in the future with everything I want to do.  Now I’m finally getting to a place where things are automatic – that’s my goal, that’s our goal.”

 

But for Deborah, the drudgery of scales “proved to me that Simone was doing what she wanted.  She had already played with the Seattle Symphony and she went back to playing scales.  And I knew, if she could do this, she was really committed.”

 

The other thing that came with her L.A. study was the recognition it was time for a violin.  One of her own, not just borrowed from her teacher.  “The one I was using had served me really, really well, but it couldn’t fit the gigs I’m doing right now.  I needed an instrument that was more versatile, had more range.”

 

Just how does one go about purchasing an instrument that will cost somewhere between tens and a hundred thousand dollars?

 

“I looked all over the country.  I was being sent violins from all over the place.  For over a month I would bring these violins down to LA.  For entire lessons I would play violin number 1, then violin number 2, then 3, and 4.  How does this one compare to that?  I was looking for an instrument that had a great ‘G’ string and a great ‘E’ string (lower and higher) because a lot of violins have either one or the other.  I really, really wanted something that had both.  I wanted something that could handle rough things like Khachaturian and dainty things like Haydn.”

 

And then it came down to the final two, one English and one French.  “I had to send one of them back.  So, over the course of 24 hours I thought about this, going back and forth.”

 

Finally she settled on one.  The French Joseph Hel, built in 1899.  At a price of $50,000.

 

“I was astounded that we could get a violin of this quality for so little,” said Deborah.  “It’s gorgeous.  It projects beautifully.”

 

And how did she finally make her decision?

 

“The English one suited me for where I am right now, but this one I chose is more for the future.  It will allow me to grow.  It’s a little harder to play.  I’m really going to have to work hard, but this will get me to where I want to go.

 

“Ultimately, I had to trust my instincts, which was a big step.  Not just thinking but knowing, feeling.”

 

And how does that feel to trust your instincts so confidently at age 13 that you are prepared to make a $50,000 decision based on them?

 

“That’s something I’ve been building up to for so long.  If I’m not going to trust what I believe, if I’m always trying to be what someone else wants me to be, I won’t be an authentic performer.”

 

Simone shows her authentic side

 

And she’s just as authentic off the stage.

 

Indeed, any hint of the personality that describes some of the “true” prodigies they know – aloofness, seriousness, social awkwardness --  is absent in Simone.  Quite the opposite.  She seems to possess a social ease and awareness beyond her years.  She speaks thoughtfully of books she’s read, smoothly adjusts the last name of a teacher to reflect her recent marriage, even pauses to appreciate an analogy I make. 

 

If you don’t spend much time around teenagers, you’ll have to take my word.  This is not standard stuff. 

 

But she’s a standard teenager in other ways.  Last year I was hanging out on the playground with a P.E. teacher at Simone’s school while she supervised a game of touch football.  I pointed to Simone and asked the teacher, “Did you know that girl is a violin virtuoso?  She has played Carnegie Hall.”  The teacher’s eyes grew wide.  “And she’s playing football, oh, my God! ”  The two of us watched as Simone ran around and played like all the other 6^th graders and, thankfully, finished the class with her fingers still working, a smile on her face, and a glow of sweat on her forehead.

 

Those classmates are part of Simone’s peer group just are the other musicians who join her at the Aspen School or who will play with her in London this April.  “No one group is more my peers than the other.  I’ve come to not see it not as two separate lives, just separate experiences.  I have different opportunities with each group of friends,” Simone explains.

 .

Deborah points out one difference between the two groups of friends.  The musicians “understand about the practicing and the time commitment because they have had the same experience.” 

 

So where is all of this hard work and travel taking Simone and her mother?

 

At this point, Simone hopes for a career as a professional violin soloist.  “And my goal is to play with the New York Philharmonic!”

 

I asked Simone if she felt the pressure of other people’s expectations as she follows this path, and immediately she grew pensive as if this were a question she was not often asked.

 

“Mmm, that’s interesting.  I guess there is some pressure to be certain places but I don’t feel like it’s anything unfair.  Because I’m the one who signs up for these concerts.  I’m the one who recognizes I have to meet certain standards.  The pressure is all chosen.”

 

As for Deborah?  “She can stop anytime she wants.  I tell her, when you’re done I don’t care.  Although, when you sign up for a performance and you’re getting paid for it as she is now, you have to do it.  And if you’re going to go to LA, you have to practice four hours a day.  All I want is that she tells me – right away – if she doesn’t want to do it anymore.  I mean, what a ride we’ve had so far -- it has all been joy.  Simone has taught me so much.  I’m incredibly grateful for the privilege to nurture someone who brings beauty to the world.”

 

How do Simone and Deborah Do It?

 

• Simone has a Jascha Heifetz scholarship that covers full tuition to study with Mr. Lipsett.  She has a merit scholarship to study with Danielle Belen, Mr. Lipsett's assistant.  Colburn Conservatory has graciously allowed Simone and Deborah to stay in their dorms during their extended stay.
• Simone has mottos that she turns to: Carpe Diem – live each day to the most; Work Hard, Play Hard; Another Door is Another Opportunity
• “My mom has taught me not to procrastinate, so my time becomes more flexible once I get everything done.”
• Simone draws inspiration and emotional insight from Harry Potter which she translates into her violin playing.
• Deborah came to her University of Washington job as Professor of Chinese Studies with tenure and several publications under her belt, which means she is free of the “publish or perish” pressure and can arrange her teaching schedule to match Simone’s.
• Simone’s father, also a Professor at the UW, is very involved and supportive of Simone’s career though he and Deborah are no longer married.
• Deborah has a “Virgo sense of organization” and she macro-manages their schedule

 

What books have they read recently?

 

Simone:

• 1984, by George Orwell
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,  by Jane Austen and Seth Graham-Smith
• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown

Deborah:

• Sophie’s World: A Novel about the History of Philosophy, by Jostein Gaarder
• The Winter Vault by Anne Michaels

 

Whom do they want me to interview next?

• Daisy Thompson, Energy Intuitive

How Do They: Nurture the musical prowess of a young violin virtuoso and the spirit of a teenager?

My 13-year old daughter is preparing to play the middle school basketball play-offs.  Her classmate, Simone Porter is preparing to play a concert with the Royal Philharmonic in London this April.

 

I drive my daughter across town for basketball practice.  Deborah Porter accompanies Simone to Los Angeles for violin studies – every week.

It won’t be Simone’s first concert in England.  That took place last year, at The Sage Gateshead, in a concert billed as featuring “The World’s Greatest Musical Prodigies”.  For that, Simone, at age 12, was selected as one of four young soloists to perform a new concerto, ‘Velesslavitsa’, written and conducted by 16 year-old Alexander Prior. 

Ø   Before you read this story, take a moment to see Simone as she competes and is chosen for this honor.  Watching and listening to her play the violin will give everything that follows its proper context.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLkL3__NlVw&feature=PlayList&p=4CE9D31063C27251&index=0&playnext=1

As you can imagine, this London gig is a pretty big thing.  But it’s hard to top the year Simone was 11.  That’s the year she made her Carnegie Hall debut and followed it three months later by playing for the Dalai Lama and a crowd of 55,000.  In between these two performances she won the Seattle Young Artist Music Festival Competition, open to musicians from 5th grade to college.  Simone won the violin division, as a fifth grader.

  Simone playing Carnegie Hall, Age 11  Photo credit: Stefan Cohen/WGBH 

 

That’s Simone.  The same clear-eyed teenager sitting across the café table from me, her slender body in constant rhythm as she speaks animatedly about everything from Khachaturian to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  The one who, after describing her unrelenting schedule says matter-of-factly, “It is all just a joy to me.  I’ve never had a day when I thought ‘I don’t love playing the violin’.”

 

I want to understand just how much time Simone and her mother Deborah dedicate to Simone’s violin study each week and shortly into my interview two things become clear: 1) I’m going to need an abacus to add it all up; and 2) this calculation isn’t something they’re in the habit of doing.  I’d suggest that the amalgam of classes, performances, teaching sessions and practice has grown haphazardly, but I know from the exchange of emails to set up the interview and Simone’s punctual – and bubbly --  arrival that conscientious organization keeps this machine running smoothly.

 

It has to.  Consider this schedule. 

 

For these three months leading up to the London concert the pair has added two extra days to their weekly trips from Seattle to Los Angeles to study with the renown violin pedagogue Robert Lipsett at the Colburn School of the Performing Arts. 

 

After studying with him at the summer Aspen Music Festival and School, Lipsett agreed to take on Simone as one of a handful of young violin students. (You can read an interesting article about him here: http://www.usc.edu/dept/pubrel/trojan_family/winter98/Lipsett/Lipsett_pg1.html)

 

Mom and daughter leave Seattle every Sunday mid-day after Simone has spent the morning rehearsing with her piano collaborator in Seattle.  She’ll do school homework on the plane or later than night, and once in L.A. on Sunday afternoon will study with Mr. Lipsett’s assistant.  On Monday she’ll have 1 – 2 lessons with Lipsett and practice for four or more hours.   “We work on seasoning a piece and performing it as much as possible, which is really important in preparing for a concert.”  Tuesday there is more practicing and usually two lessons, one with Mr. Lipsett and one with his assistant.  And then a flight home.

 

Wednesday through Friday Simone spends at Hamilton Middle School in the public school’s Accelerated Progress Program along with her seventh grade friends, though she won’t arrive until third period.  She spends the mornings – what else? – practicing the violin and catching up with her on-line study of math through the Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth. 

 

“My teachers have been extremely, extremely supportive,” says Simone, who sometimes turns in homework assignments via email from Los Angeles.

 

For seven hours on Saturday Simone is taking academic musical classes (history and theory) and playing in a small chamber orchestra, the "Young Virtuosi", at the Seattle Conservatory of Music located at Seattle Pacific University. http://www.seattleconservatory.org/

 

And then there are the extras.  Like a performance of Vivaldi this past Sunday with the Olympia Symphony Orchestra, a late night attending a Seattle Symphony concert featuring violinist Itzhak Perlman, and just prior to our get-together an appointment with Daisy Thompson, an Energy Intuitive with the Northwest Healing Studio.  http://www.northwesthealingstudio.com/

 

Energy intuition is the ability to sense how energy flows through and around a being.  Daisy has helped Simone “unlock” energy blocks, some of which came when she moved to her new teacher.  “Daisy’s amazingly talented.  I work with her on the violin – she helps me with energetic stuff.  We also work on the energy of the stories I am telling through my music.  She has also helped me get over my nerves.” 

 

 

You can see why Simone and Deborah couldn’t produce a precise answer to the question of time – it adds up to a lot, though the two are careful to make sure the balance doesn’t tip to too much.  They’ve seen other young musicians flame out from a schedule that demands far more.  “We work on efficiency – getting the practice she needs in four hours rather than eight.  I don’t want her to hurt herself.”  Furthermore, they both recognize that the skill of focus is required of anyone pursuing a career as a soloist.  With travel, rehearsals, and the other demands of a performing life, being dependent on eight hours a day of practice will not be practical. 

 

Despite all of this, she and her mother wave away the characterization of Simone as a violin prodigy.  “Mozart was a prodigy.  Alexander Prior is a prodigy,” says Simone, who reserves that description for the children who play Paganini at age five – with full orchestra.  Simone didn’t even pick up a violin until she was all of three and a half.

 

• To be continued in next week’s story: How Simone got started with the violin; what her goals are for the future; and what the experience has been like for mother and daughter.